Rain
by Kuroya
Summary: Post TLA, Alex centric. One shot. Alex's thoughts after the events of TLA. The rain might wash you away if you let it. It might peel away the layers of yourself, then wash you away like you're nothing...


This was originally something of a songfic to Corey Taylor's "Bother", but lyrics have been removed due to ff.n's policy. SPOILERS ahead for TLA.

Apply standard disclaimers here.

RAIN (_by Raven Minamino a.k.a. Kuroya_) ((Written: 1/16/05 Published: 1/18/05 Edited: 4/30/05))

Alone... In a world full of people.

Who would have thought?

One can be completely alone, dead and decaying and forsaken, while surrounded by more people than you could count in the space of a day.

And you know. You've always been alone.

_Have you? Have you really? _

"Who's there?" The whispering of wind through the trees, an invisible force with the power to destroy us all. Your life could end at any moment... That is the knowledge that we must all live with.

Live with it, but don't think about it... Pondering your fate will shred you to bits from the inside, pain everywhere except the places that can be seen.

_That's right... You've been in pain all your life. Alone and suffering... My wounded sheep. _

You have to laugh at yourself, head in your hands so anyone looking at you would almost think that you were crying. Soft laughter, so it won't make your lungs burn with fire. It hurts to breathe...

_Do you want to be free? _

Laughter again. Maybe you really are going insane... Voices in your head, phantom thoughts that vanish when you try to see them. Is this what it's like to be insane? Is this how it feels to die on the inside?

_Yes, Alex... You knew. You've always known that it would end like this. An eye for an eye and all that... Karma. Don't you believe in karma? _

"'Believe nothing, no matter who said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and common sense.'"

_Too true... You're a smart man. I chose wisely. _

"Who are you? Where are you? Why are you watching me die?"

_Who am I...? That is not important. What is important, my dear, is the here and now. No, you are not dying... Not yet. Are you the kind of man who normally accepts his fate and takes it lying down? _

"Fate doesn't exist." Pain... Inside. Maybe there's a healer somewhere who could pour her power into you, cure you of this twisted disease... A disease that, of course, you brought upon yourself. Karma, eh? An eye for an eye...

_You do not believe in fate? Then tell me, Alex... Why did you come to Imil? Why, then, did you leave with Saturos and Menardi? Why did you fight? For the Golden Sun? Or for yourself...? _

"I did all of that... Because I wanted to."

_Ah. I see. Now, my dear, what is it that you desired? What is it that you have always desired? Why do you exist? _

"I don't know... I can't remember. Leave me alone."

_To be alone? Is that your wish? To be so alone that you feel empty, feel like nothing, make yourself boil with anger just to fill the void? Anger does not cure loneliness, and it never will... No more than hate can cure love. _

You have to laugh again, the quiet wheezing sounding strangely desperate in the still air. Someone is watching you... Or are you simply watching yourself? "I want... To be..." The pain never goes away... It keeps you company through the worst of times, at your side through all your tears and screams. It is... Your life. Without the pain, what would be left of you? With nothing to feel, you'd dry up and blow away, destroyed by something that has never been. "I want to be... Dead."

_Ah, so that is your desire... Heaven? Hell? Or nothingness? Just an empty space where you can rest for all eternity? _

"No..."

_I thought so... You wish, instead, to simply... Not exist. "One cannot exist without realizing that he has not always existed, and will not always exist." Isn't that so? _

You can't breathe. The air itself is smothering you, a pillow over your mouth and nose, too thick and harsh and cold for you to breathe. Red and yellow spots explode on the insides of your eyelids, and the pain spreads its tiny tendrils throughout your body so that every fiber of your being can feel it and know that you are still alive. Can't breathe, can't breathe... Hurts so much...

_I know your pain, Alex... I know. It hurts so much you can barely think, barely hold on to consciousness. So you wish for Death... What makes you think that you deserve any peace Death may bring? Perhaps She does not want you... Or perhaps She is simply biding her time, watching you suffer. Karma, yes, is a rule-- a law-- that governs us all. It strings us along like puppets till the bitter end... Wouldn't you agree? _

Blank. Silence. Nothing. Peace...

_xxxxxxxxx_

Felix... Stauros... Menardi... Mia. The people you've left behind. Or maybe... The people that left you behind. You never can know for sure...

It's raining, your element dripping from the sky in an endless pattern that could not be deciphered by the most prestigious of scientists. Like tears...

Why does your heart hurt? When you're alone, why is it your heart that beats to a rhythm of pain that will not be silenced even by death? Why not your head, or your lungs, or your hands? Why is this pain only in your heart, swelling until your entire body is aware of its presence...?

Science... Such a joke. Questions upon questions, our eternal search for knowledge... What of "ignorance is bliss"? For ignorance truly is wonderful...

You open your eyes slowly, just to make sure that you aren't dead yet. No... Your pain is too real for you to be dead.

The voice in your head is gone, a whisper of silence tickling your senses. It was right... About everything, you suppose. It's worse to be alone.

You wonder if you can move anything but your eyelids. The pain is too fresh, too potent. It might rip you apart if you try to get up, even if you just want some of that rain water to quench your burning thirst.

A Mercury adept, longing for water... Hah. Life is playing cruel tricks on you again.

Perhaps your entire life has been someone's idea of a joke. Perhaps someone out there finds it amusing to put someone through this kind of pain. And maybe it would be better that way... To be a toy. Because then, nothing is really real to you. You are a pawn in a game that cannot be stopped, even if you fight with everything that you are... It won't stop, so why try? It's not so real...

You're crazy, you know you are. Insane. Hearing voices, having these thoughts. Insane. They always knew you would end this way...

You move, just a little, so your head is turned towards the mouth of the cave. The rain is drenching the earth, pouring upon Weyard with a ferocity never before seen. The rain will wash away your sins, drown them, carry them downstream where they can never hurt you or anyone else again...

The sound is soothing, a pleasant sort of drumming noise filling the nothingness that is your world. Your vision is blurry, but still you can see the curtain of gray falling from the sky. You remember... Only a little, maybe...

No. Those memories will tear you apart. Rip you, tear you from your bones. Not that pain again...

Don't think don't move don't breathe.

Don't be.

_xxxxxxxxxx_

You can't remember how you got here, but somehow you're here... At the cave entrance, upturned face splattered with rain. Cold and fresh, the drops slide across your skin, across your lips, into your mouth. Water never tasted so good.

You can't even believe that you're still alive. It feels so real, but so wrong. You had thought for so long that your time was up... That you would die here, alone.

Well... You probably still will die here alone. But then again, you've always been alone.

Nothing really changes...

Your entire body is numb from the cold, but you don't mind at all because it takes some of the pain away. The water is a godsend, Mercury Lighthouse's legendary draught pouring down upon you. So fresh, so pure, too good for a filthy bastard like you...

Have you changed? Maybe... But not enough. Never enough.

You still... Want to die. Want to not be anymore.

Is this what it's like to be the villain, the antagonist, the evil one? You try to see, really you do, but everything's so blurry and all you know is that the pain won't go away...? And you want to be on their side, you want to be with them, but every fiber in your being is screaming at you and you can't listen to anything anymore...? And you know it's selfish, you know it's wrong, but you choose life... And end up dying anyway.

When you look at them, you always see something you want... Something you need so desperately it almost makes you cry or scream with longing. Something... Something that might save you. Just maybe.

All this for life... All this for yourself. Why? Oh God, why?

You were going too fast, losing control, and you couldn't stop couldn't stop couldn't stop...

Maybe you were just insane from the beginning, so terribly crazy you couldn't tell right from wrong, truth from lies. Maybe that's it... You're just insane.

Your pain, their pain, the entire world's pain... It's too much, too much to bear. How do you cope? You lie to yourself. Tell yourself that somewhere out there, someone is happy who deserves to be happy. Somewhere, there is peace. Somewhere, there is love and contentment and a Golden Sun. Somewhere...

That's what you have to believe, in order to go on. The ones who can't believe... Are the ones who go crazy, the ones who kill themselves or kill others or just walk through life a dried-out husk of a person, screaming only in places where no one can hear or care.

Crazy isn't insane... Crazy is sane. A paradox, perhaps, but all the same... It's the world itself that makes you crazy, makes you lose it. The world itself is at fault... And maybe it deserves to die. Maybe the lighthouses should never have been lit. Better to be dead than to be insane!

Too much thinking... Or maybe everyone thinks this much when they die. Maybe you have to come to terms with things before you can really let go of everything you've ever known...

Death... Even a man such as yourself, who welcomes death with open arms, can't help but be a little afraid of it. What comes next? Suffering? Happiness? Nothing?

When death comes, you know you'll have to let everything go... Everyone you've ever known, the places you've been, battles you've fought... It's all nothing in the end, because death will come for everyone. Your life... Has been nothing.

So cold... You're so cold. Makes your bones ache, deep inside of you... The rain might wash your skin away if you let it. It might peel away the layers of yourself, then wash you away like you're nothing, just another stone or plant. Part of the earth, beaten back down into it. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

The rain is setting you free.

_xxxxxxxx_

_Alex... You wish to live, and yet you wish to die. Tell me... What is it that you truly need, more than anything else? _

That voice... Haunting you, even as you haunt yourself. Mental torture. "Peace... I need... Peace."

_Then peace you shall have, my dear. Remember... Remember yourself. Never forget. _

_xxxxxxxxx_

You must have moved again, maybe in your sleep... Or maybe your body just moved while you weren't paying attention. You're still dying, so you can just lie in one place for a very long time. You can't remember the last time you felt hunger... You just feel tired, the bone-deep kind of tired. And cold. So cold, always cold.

So much for eternal life...

It's drizzling now, a soft mist floating down to smother you. The sky is so dark, darker than midnight, but somehow it doesn't feel like nighttime. The sun should be shining, but it's not.

You don't know where you are... Not that it matters. Not that it ever mattered. You're nothing, just a heartless bastard. Doesn't matter where you are.

_Open your eyes... Please, look. No one is ever nothing, no matter how evil or terrible they may be. Open your eyes... _

No. You don't care. It hurts to exist. It hurts, damn it, it hurts...

"Alex!"

Someone's voice, different from the one in your head, so far away... Familiar. Someone who might help you... Might help take the pain away. Bring you peace...

You open your eyes, see them. You smile, just a little, such a desperate and sad smile that it's probably impossible to see it for what it is. The pain really is going away, seeping out of you. It feels so good to not hurt anymore. Feels so good to let go, drift away... And you're so tired, so very tired, exhausted beyond anything you've ever felt before...

_Yes... It's okay to sleep now. It's okay. I'm sorry... _

You close your eyes again, close them even against the most welcoming sight you've ever laid eyes on. All throughout that journey, you felt it... What they had, and what you could never have.

Love, maybe. Friendship, compassion. Something worth living and dying for. They're not alone, you see that now. They're not alone...

And maybe you aren't either.

_It's okay... It's okay now. I bring you peace. Go ahead, rest. Just sleep... I'll wake you when morning comes. _

"Alex? Alex, are you okay? What happened?"

It feels good to not have to breathe... Peace is waiting for you, in sleep. It'll be okay... You don't have to exist anymore. Yes... You'll just sleep a little, and wake up when the sun comes out again...

_I'm sorry... So sorry. _

_xxxxxxxx_

Is this morning?

Yes... The sun is shining. You feel warm again, not cold... And the pain is gone.

You sit up, very slowly and carefully, just in case it starts hurting again. But it doesn't... You can move just fine, no more imaginary shackles around your ankles and wrists.

Free... You're free. You could almost laugh again, a real laugh.

You open your eyes, and you can see where you are now... It's Vale. Not the old Vale, but the new Vale... Just a few hastily-erected cottages, the psynergy stone, and a sanctum built into one of the cliff walls. The Golden Sun must have destroyed the town, and they're in the early stages of the rebuilding process. It looks nice, so far... Not the same, but nice. Like home... Except that you don't have a home.

There's a graveyard a little ways away, gray and brown stones set into the ground. Most of them look fairly new, and you have to wonder who died. Anyone you knew? Did they die because of you?

There's a very new grave, also, just dug this morning. In fact, it looks like they're having the service right now... There's a small gathering of people, some villagers, and the others...

It's them. Felix, Mia, Jenna, Isaac, Ivan, Garet, Sheba, Picard... Even Kraden. All of them. How strange...

You stand, taking a moment to admire the way your feet and legs move. After so much time spent just lying in a cave, they move quite well. Smooth and graceful...

You walk over to the service, staying a few feet away, since you're probably not welcome here. This is probably a funeral for someone that you somehow killed... And you're sorry, so very sorry, but it's too late for that now. No one will care how sorry you are, it still happened and it's still your fault.

Now you remember why you wanted to die. Not only because of the physical pain... Because of the way you lived your life. It's too late to make amends, so the best you can do for the people around you is die...

Someone you know is speaking. Felix? Yes, it's Felix... He sounds sad.

"...I know he made a lot of mistakes in his life... Or at least, what we would consider to be mistakes... But still..."

Is that Mia crying? Why would she cry for the death of a villager from Vale?

"...I know he wasn't a bad person. He wasn't evil or sadistic... I don't know what he was. But he was my friend."

It almost hurts to watch. Someone's life has ended, the life of someone who will be missed... And you have to wonder, who is worse off: the one who died, or those they left behind?

Mistakes... You know you've made mistakes. Plenty of them. But right now... You think your biggest mistake was ever leaving Imil, ever getting involved. Yes... Your biggest mistake. And some mistakes are never forgiven. Never... No matter how much it keeps you up at night, how much you regret it, how much you want to tear your heart out to stop the pain and the memories...

Even though the service is over, they all remain, just staring at the grave as if that will make the buried person come back to life. Mia has stopped crying now, but you can tell that she wants to.

The sun is setting, golden light turning to deep orange, then to the rich dark blue of twilight. Gradually, the group around the grave dwindles to only three: Isaac, Felix, and Mia.

Slowly, quietly, you move closer to the grave and the mourners, the last hint of light lingering across the horizon enough to light the tombstone.

_Alex _

_?-1091 _

_Beloved friend; he will be missed. _

Okay, you can wake up now. You can stop dreaming and return to your own Hell...

The truly amazing thing is not your death, nor the presence of the mourners; but Felix's words, and the solemn epitaph: _Beloved friend; he will be missed. _

You may have lived alone, but maybe you didn't die alone... Maybe...

_You see? There is a such thing as peace, there is a such thing as freedom... And forgiveness. Don't you see? They could forgive you because they understood. They may not have understood why you wanted the Golden Sun; but they understood you. Isn't that enough to live for? Enough to exist for? _

"Please... Who are you?"

_I'm afraid that you will never know the answer to that question, Alex. But your other questions have been answered, haven't they? _

You don't understand... None of this makes sense. The voice in your head, their forgiveness, your life...

But you do know that you now have what you always needed... What they had, the thing you longed for all this time.

Love. Companionship.

Isn't that enough?

_I'm sorry that it had to be this way. I'm sorry that you had to die to understand. I'm sorry... But no one can go back. No one can turn back time, no matter how much power they have or who they are or how much they want to. It doesn't happen... And I'm sorry. But at least this way... You won't be so sad. And maybe, in time, the pain will go away... Maybe you'll understand. _

So, he was still crazy... But that was okay, after all. It was okay to be insane, just a little. It was okay to die for something if it made you understand...

_Goodbye, and good luck in the next world. _

Not that he'd need it.

He could even smile now; a genuine smile, invisible in the early stages of night. Sure, he was sad that it had to be this way; funny thing, how life could destroy a person. But it wasn't so bad, really... It wasn't so bad.

What appears to be the end, is really a new beginning...


End file.
